Peace in my marriage and my house

I am so tired of praying and getting pushed down everywhere I turn.......I was raised in the church and know God...but I have been slack on my worship....I ask God to remove anything that is not like him...I am so unsure of myself that I sit and listen for the still quiet voice but cannot hear....It feels like my life has been nothin but struggles since I have been married...he is a hard man and I have tried to be humble but it feels like a slap in the face....I just want peace I want my kids to be happy and I want to be happy......I don't club or do things like that I work hard and try my best to live Holy I know that God is not through with me yet.......Although I can't complain this year alone I have suffered a stroke and also injured my leg so that now I am disabled, but God saw me through even that and I am grateful...I wonder is it me why do I not deserve to have someone love me the way that I love...when I was sick my husband was so mean to me and to top it all off my best friend committed suicide...the only words of comforted I recieved was that she deserved it......I married this man and am doing my best but it is hard....It is to the point I just want to lay in the bed....I think well maybe God is preparing you for something I just want to be happy.....he threatens that he will leave...I dont want to seem like the victim cause I know that I am a pistol and some of the blame lies with me......why does everything have to be a struggle. Today I just feel like giving up and I know that the only way through this is prayer....I am only 34 years old and I feel like I have just simply had enough

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